The Two Reasons We Lose Courage With Time
And how to use the same reasons to salvage your courage
Growing up, courage was a natural trait; I never had to think about mustering up enough courage to do certain things. I was always seeking the extraordinary; always on the look out for the next adventure.
I would often hear people say: “how brave of you to leave your job” or “are you crazy, solo skydiving on your first jump?
Back in the day, when I would hear such wondrous statements, I remember thinking: “why are people so astounded by what I seek out to do?” Courage came so natural to me that being anything else was unnatural.
It is so liberating to never be stopped by you; by your own fear. To live with no fear!
I was unstoppable, and until friends started pointing it out to me, I never thought courage was something that some people simply don’t have. Until one day, I lost ounces of my own.
What Causes Us to Lose Courage?
Losing some of my courage was gradual, not something that I woke up to see gone. I still retain the courage to speak my mind and set boundaries, yet I find it much more difficult to take bold action in relevance to forging my own path. Changing jobs or country of residence has been a nebulous feat.
This realization has propelled me to sit and ponder the reasons why we might lose some of our courage with time. Besides the obvious fact that we become more accustomed to a certain lifestyle, I found that there are two main reasons why we give in some of our courage to age.
- We Have More References to Past Experiences.
As we grow older, we gain more insight and wisdom that comes from a lifetime of experiences. Subsequently, we have more references that keep reminding us of past failures or successes, and the formulas that resulted in certain outcomes.
When we are younger however, we are still experimenting with life and we have less references that might stop us from boldly engaging in certain actions. We are still unaware of how certain decisions might affect us on the long run. We, more or less, take the plunge and see what happens.
However, as we grow older, taking the plunge comes with a lot of calculation and scheming: Is the water cold? Is it deep enough for a dive? Is there a towel I can use after? Are there any showers here? You base your actions on past experiences, and if your desired actions do not promise good enough outcomes, you might give up altogether.
2. We No Longer Have the “Youth” Excuse
When you are younger, you have room to make mistakes. You can change jobs as many times as you wish and employers will salute you for having the will to explore. Your family and friends will admire your courage and celebrate your small wins.
The older you get the smaller room for mistakes you have. You become accountable for your mistakes, you feel judged for changing jobs often, or for not holding a relationship long enough. You might even feel that celebrating your small wins is naive, and that you should wait to celebrate the big wins.
We become our own worst judges and so we lose the courage to make big changes, afraid that we might be making a mistake.
How to Salvage Your Courage
Before we dive into that, it is important to note that being brave doesn’t necessarily mean becoming invincible, quite the contrary; courage comes with much needed vulnerability. As Brené Brown says in her Netflix video The Call to Courage:
“Courage is a heart word because it is about speaking from our hearts”.
I would also say that courage is our quest to living our own truth, and that is by its very nature, vulnerable.
So how can we regain our courage following the very same logic of why we lose it?
1. Turning Past References to Evidence
Just like we use our past failures as references to avoid making the same mistakes in the future, so can we use our past success stories as evidence of the courage we enjoyed. Whenever I remember the time I knocked on doors to ask for a spare room to stay in, during my time in the States as I took part in one of the weirdest self-led exchange programs, I admire that courageous woman who was fearless in the face of the unknown.
Recalling all our past experiences when we were brave, gives us enough evidence that courage still resides somewhere inside of us waiting to be salvaged. Writing down those evidences helps us remember how brave we were. We are still that person, we either just forgot, or we inadvertently succumbed to the social norms that compelled us to live up to our age or name or status.
If you don’t have evidence of courageous youthful moments, remember how brave you were as a child who did not fear being on stage. Any subtle nuance of courage is evidence enough.
The absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. Unknown
2. We Now Have the “Courage” Excuse
For some reason and as we grow older, we expect ourselves and others to keep working on what we have built for ourselves, be it a career or a business. Our identity becomes one with what we have been doing all our lives. From this same logic, when someone in their late 40's decides to leave their extremely successful career and become a yoga teacher or a cook or a coach, people admire their courage to move on to something they are passionate about at an older age.
It is like our ‘older’ age becomes the catalyst for our crazy moves. You are old enough to be called brave and courageous for making such a bold move. Your bravery might encourage others to follow suit; doing something out of the ordinary might inspire others to believe that it CAN be done.
Becoming the source of inspiration for others might motivate you to muster up the courage to do what others do not believe can be done at a certain age.
I am blessed to have childhood friends who always remind me of the free spirited person I used to be, and the courage ingrained in me that is waiting to resurface.
The idea of being a source of inspiration for them and others motivates me to put on my long forgotten cape of courage and jug on forward.
Final Words
We all want to experience extraordinary lives; no one wants to be lame on their own accord. What stops us is the courage to make the leap, to defy the norms and venture into the unknown. It is like society is holding an image of us or a benchmark of success that we should conform to. But it’s not.
Remember
1. Have just enough facts that what you are about to embark on will work. Don’t get too bogged down in details that you lose sight of the big picture, hence become discouraged to make the first move. (I tell that to myself)
2. No one is holding a yardstick against which they are measuring your success (its only in your head).
3. When you embody courage, don’t forget to be humble and kind and compassionate at the same time.
4. You were brave once, you can do it again.
“All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.” Walt Disney
